MAKING IT WORK

Teachable Spirit

 

There are many characteristics we look for while seeking a mate.  One that is frequently overlooked, with disastrous consequences, is “teachability”.  A suitable future partner may have habits and attitudes acquired over a lifetime that cause difficulties for others.  We all probably have some.  They are not a problem as long as we do not try to share a space or relationship with another person.

 

Once we enter a relationship our ability to change and adapt to new information will be put to the test.  As we get to know each other the need to change will arise.  Early in my relationship with my husband he often suggested things I should do differently.  I accepted his suggestions and made an effort to comply.  At some point, however, he seemed to be “fixing” me.  I was younger and needed plenty of fixing, I’m sure, but I still needed to be me.  I raised the issue, expressing that he could not take on the job of making me over.  He seemed to understand that he had gone too far and immediately stopped the “nit-picking”.  We were both learning as we grew together.  We were also establishing a pattern of respectful give-and-take that we desperately needed in our marriage

 

Learning that something we do is offensive to a partner requires us to decide if we are willing to adjust to accommodate our partner’s needs.  If your partner, knowing your concern becomes defensive or makes no effort to adjust the behavior or pattern you know more about him than he thinks.  These minor adjustments are required throughout marriage as situations change.  If someone who is trying to win your hand, now (while trying to show himself in the most favorable light), refuses to accept your counsel on this small matter he may be demonstrating and inflexibility or insensitivity that will be troublesome later. 

 

I am not encouraging couples to attempt to control or dictate each other’s behavior. There is a very fine line between trying to get someone to accommodate your wishes and being controlling and judgmental.  Each of you should be able to express your thoughts about an issue without threatening the other’s autonomy.  Each of you should also be able to keep your own identity and adjust to your partner. 

 

P.S. Real character change is the province of the Holy Spirit.  No one should allow anyone to replace the voice of the Holy Spirit in their head. (See “Truly Intimidated” Sept 11, 2006)

 

Long Distance, Please!

Long Distance, Please

Thanks to our transient society and the internet many couples have to learn to endure a long distance relationship.  A driving distance of two or three hours is usually bearable.  If the separation is greater than that, a couple must determine if they can tolerate the stress of minimal contact and delayed conflict resolution.

 

There are benefits and challenges to this kind of relationship.  There is less temptation to spend too much time together but you are more tempted to stay on the phone too long.  You may have fewer petty conflicts, but less time to resolve the important ones.

 

When the separation occurs after the friendship is on a firm footing the problem is easier to manage.  In the early stages it will take lots of hard work for you to get to know, and eventually trust one another.  This takes a great deal of patience.

 

Separations will surely test the strength of your commitment to each other.  To have a successful long distance relationship a couple will need three things – commitment, money, and friends.  Planning is crucial.  Plan your time and visits wisely.  Try to avoid overtaxing any of your resources 

 

Although you see each other less often the issue of celibacy may be more challenging.  Couples look forward to their visits with great anticipation.  Your times together will be quite intense, especially as it gets closer to the end of the visit.  Special safeguards should be put into practice early.  Enlist the help of your friends and your church to safely and successfully maintain your relationship.

 

NEXT:  Long Distance Fighting

Q and A

Question from Email:  From a church Singles Group

Hi,

We all went to lunch yesterday.  (Your seminars are always a topic at all our events/ meetings since you gave it last month).  Someone made the comment that you had stated that the man and woman (courting couple) should not pray together because that is a form of intimacy. You were probably misquoted.  Can you please clarify?  This question will probably come up again in our next session, but we can't wait.

 

Thanks.

T. R. (Wash., D.C.)

 

 

Yup!  I said it, but the quote is slightly off.  (By the way, this did not originate with me, but with a well-known pastor I used to work under.)  He said men and women should not be "prayer partners," praying together for long periods of time about personal subjects.  (Now, be cautious with the rest of this statement.)  He said there is very little distance between the intensity of prayer and the intensity of other kinds of intimacy,which makes it easy to cross the line.  (Hisrendition was slightly more graphic.) OK?  OK. Boy, you guys are tough! 

 

Couples should certainly pray for each other, and about their relationship.  It is the "together" part that should be limited.  Let's remember that Satan is out to get you any way he can.  If one thing doesn't work, he will just try another.

Q and A

Question from Email re: a two year relationship

Hi,

I have a question? Why do relationships have to be so difficult?  The guy I am currently seeing acts like he does not care whether I stay or go so I have decided to go on with my reassignment to either Italy or Spain next summer. I cannot put my life on hold until he decides if I am the one he wants to marry. Life is too short.  If its God's will that we are together then He will work it out. I am done. IR

 

Dear IR,

Relationships are hard.  Many men want the company of a woman with little commitment.  Your guy doesn't even want the responsibility of ending the relationship.  He is making you make the decision while he pretends to be supportive of your career.  If he wanted things to continue he would let you know.  He doesn't seem to want to put in much work.  Have you always made life very easy for him?  Has he depended on you to keep things interesting?  If he has been single for a long time he may want to go with the flow and just chill. If he doesn't have you around he will probably find someone else to make his life easy.  If what I am saying rings true he is probably not a good candidate for a life partner.  You may as well make the decision that works best for you. It is also okay to ask a direct question about where the relationship is headed

 

 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Caution: Children on Board

 

Television stations recently aired a commercial that shows an idyllic scene of man and woman locked in an adoring gaze over a dinner table.  As they smile lovingly at each other they are suddenly pelted with flying peas.  The camera pans back to reveal the rest of the table which seats a pre-schooler, a preteen, and a baby in a high chair gleefully launching his peas.  This abrupt intrusion of reality is similar to what happens in the lives of couples who marry with children.

 

Couples in the early stages of a relationship often seem to forget that there are children involved.  They are so focused on the new object of their affections that they like to assume that such mundane issues are not important.  Although it may be wise to keep the children out of the process until some decisions about the future of the relationship have been made, many couples seem to pretend that the children don’t exist. Even in premarital counseling, the counselor is often the first one to mention the children.  The couple immediately reassures her that everything is perfect.  And yet children will almost surly bring the couple down to earth if they proceed to marriage. 

 

“Oh!  The children love him/her,” parents report gleefully, citing as evidence two dinners at Chuck E.Cheese’s and a day at Water World.  Children’s issues around remarriage often surface slowly, and in disguise.  They are not always conscious of how they feel and have trouble articulating those conflicting feelings.  Plan to give them the time they need to begin to wrap their minds around the changes that are taking place.  (Children of any age need this time.)

 

When things get serious couples should begin some research into the subject of step-parenting.  Don’t assume that you know how to do this.  I usually recommend to couples that they each select and read three books that address their custodial situation.  They should then switch books, read each other’s, and discuss them.  The list should include books from both Christian and secular bookstores.  This exercise is designed to break through the rose-colored bubble that surrounds their current situation.  The time you spend helping children through this process will save time and trouble in the end.

ATTRACTION

Unequally Yoked

It is not easy to find out if someone is a born-again believer or to determine his level of spiritual maturity, but it is important to do so as soon as possible. Be prepared to walk away if this person has not made a decision to live for Christ.

 

Brand-new Christians are especially susceptible to being swept off their feet by the first Bible-totin’-quotin’ guy who takes and interest in them.  Like all babies, baby Christians need time to develop the ability to make wise decisions.  The observations of others can be extremely helpful. 

 

A young woman I know met a man soon after her conversion.  He said all the right things and seemed grounded in his Christian walk.  She was quite interested in him and they were making plans for the future.  Others who met him, however, immediately raised questions about his spiritual condition.  Brothers in the church talked to him and learned that, although he knew a lot about the Bible, he had never given his life to Christ.  He simply knew how to “talk the talk”.  Much of what he told her about himself turned out to be completely untrue. 

 

When you are attracted to someone it is easy to overlook problems that are obvious to a more clear-headed observer.  Once she ended the relationship, the woman in this story was able see many hints and clues that had been there all along. This naive young woman felt truly rescued, but she learned a great lesson from the experience.  

READY TO WED: Part 2

RESTORING PURITY

Purity is important for the individual as well as to the courtship process.  It speaks of your covenantal relationship with Christ, whose bride you are.  It is also the tablet upon which the rest of your marital relationship is written.  But suppose, as you read this blog, you have already surrendered you virginity.  God has not dumped you on an ash heap.  He has made provision for you.  He is faithful to forgive if you seek him with your whole heart. 

 

God can restore you to purity if that is your fervent desire.  You do not have to keep doing what you have done.  (Convincing your body of that is another matter.)  Decide now to put aside sin, confess, repent, and ask forgiveness.  If you are intimate with a current partner, express your intentions to him.  If you decide to stay together declare a period of separation so that you can fast and pray.  Come back together with a new standard for your dating behavior.  If possible, meet with a clergyman or counselor at your church.  Ask for a couple who will walk this out with you.

 

This process will be very hard.  But it will be worth it.  If you are able to do this you will accrue all of the benefits afforded a celibate courtship.  You will also have honored each other with this gift of sacrifice that will strengthen your relationship.  God bless you.

 

Abstaining from sex alone will not make a bad relationship into a good one, anymore than having sex will.  It does help you to see your relationship more clearly.  It allows you to make necessary changes within the relationship and it becomes the basis of trust.  Keeping your courtship pure means purity of thought as well as actions.  Ask friends to help you stay on track.  Pray without ceasing that your mind as well as your body will honor God and your partner.

 

 

Ready to Wed

TIME ALONE

Being alone, unattached, single, according to I Corinthians 7, gives a person the opportunity to be “concerned about the Lord’s affairs, how he can please the Lord,” and be “devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.”  The time before we marry should not be wasted since it may well be the time God uses to prepare for marriage.  For what is more important in marriage than knowing how to please the Lord?  The Lord is pleased when we are obedient.  And according to His Word we learn this best when we are alone.   

 

What are the things we learn when we are alone that serve us in our future marriage and as the Bride of Christ?  At the urging of the Holy Spirit, who leads us into all truth, we can learn about ourselves.  We are all afflicted with an inability to see ourselves accurately.  We carry with us all of the personal characteristics that threaten to cause difficulties in marriage.  These personal flaws are alive and well by the time we are marriageable age.   The kinks in our character, as well as our sinful adaptations to our past have already been formed.  We live easily with them as single women.  When we consider marriage we must choose to allow the light of the Holy Spirit to expose them.  If we skip this step these flaws will be revealed as we try to live in intimate relationship with our spouse and children.  In our time alone, with prayer and submission, our short-comings will gradually be exposed so that we can seek the Lord’s will in removing them.  This humbling process prepares us to be better wives if only by making us more patient with the flaws of others. 

 

First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  (Matthew 7:5NIV)

COURTSHIP CONCERNS

Truly Intimidated

 

If you find yourself feeling nervous after you have been seeing someone six months or more, you may be with someone who is truly intimidating.  By this time you should be beginning to build some trust in your relationship.  Your discomfort may be an indication that something is wrong. It is a good idea to check out your actions and feelings when you are in the company of your loved one. It is foolish to begin a lifelong relationship with someone by walking on eggshells. 

 

Men or women can intimidate, though their tactics may be different.  Intimidators often wrap themselves in biblical principles or scripture.  Some make rules for the relationship that distort the biblical message, or make rules designed to control their partner’s behavior or responses.  Usually, though, the manipulation is more subtle.  

 

I counseled one couple who made me very nervous.  Every time the woman began to express concerns or speak honestly about their situation the man would laugh loudly and place his hand on her hand or knee in an “Oh, isn’t she cute” gesture.  This act would successfully divert her attention and she would change the subject.  After noticing this for a while I changed seats with him and asked her how it felt to have her mind changed in that way.  She easily realized that she sensed when he did not want her to talk about certain things.  We spent several more sessions helping her find her own voice and helping him tolerate it.

 

Another woman in premarital counseling placed her hand on her partner’s arm each time she said something she thought was uncomplimentary about him.  She seemed to hope to control his reaction.  I wondered why she needed to do that.

 

Then there was the woman who began to cry whenever her partner tried to delve into serious issues. He would comfort her and apologize.  Then he would drop the subject.  I helped him learn to comfort her and continue to make his case.  She and I discussed how scary it was to address the problems in the relationship. I helped her see that her crying was really manipulating his responses. She soon stopped crying in our sessions. 

 

Listening to one couple was extremely difficult.  Each time they started toshare a problem they would begin with an elaborate web of disclaimers, excuses, and compliments toward the other.  It took them forever to say anything even slightly critical of each other.  Becoming acutely aware of my advancing years I decided to speed things up.  I asked why they felt the need to cover their criticisms with so much sugar coating.  Delving deeper I learned that the woman felt that critical comments were not allowed in their relationship. 

“I don’t want to upset him”, she explained. 

“What happens if he gets upset?” 

“He doesn’t get over it for a long time.” 

“How can you tell he is upset?

“He stops talking.  Sometimes for days!  Then, I have to figure out what I have to do to get him to forgive me.” 

 

By now the woman was on the verge of tears.  Her partner was stone-faced.  She had broken into forbidden territory.  I asked if they realized that they had made anon-verbal deal. He doesn’t criticize her; she gets punished with silence if she criticizes him.  I discovered that whenever he was displeased he would repeat a phrase from an earlier stage of their relationship: “I’m not sure we are right for each other.”  This seemingly mild intimidation kept the relationship exactly where he wanted it, and left her constantly wary and anxious.  It also kept them from moving to the higher stages inthe development of their courtship.

 

Intimidation, manipulation, and controlling devices can be hard to recognize in courtship.  Your stifled, anxious or angry feelings are probably a warning that all is not well.  Your secret suspicions should be addressed openly while you are single.  If you are really being intimidated it won’t go away after the wedding.  If you are changing your normal behavior out of fear of your partner’s reaction or response, you are a victim of intimidation.

 

If you have a question or are concerned about something that is happening in your relationship contact us.  We will respond as quickly as possible.

Courtship: Why I Care

 

As an estimated one-half of all marriages end in divorce it almost seems that mate selection and courtship are irrelevant to the process of getting married.  Is there any point in trying from the outset to form and build a union that has a chance of surviving?  Perhaps not, but the fact is that a strong, loving, enduring marriage is one of the most awe-inspiring, satisfying relationships known to man.  I believe most of us would have one if we could. 

 

And yet, many have eschewed this illusive experience in favor of a series of marital or non-marital relationships because an enduring marriage seems almost impossible to achieve.  We have looked around us and decided that monogamous marriage between two loving people simply doesn’t exist.  If it does, it is by accident.  Many of us put more time and attention into purchasing a car or a pet than we put into selecting a marriage partner.

 

But marriage isn’t only about the couple.  Each Spring I look out the window and watch the robins in my yard prepare for their offspring.  How hard they work.  They are engaged in a cooperative venture, each doing his part, so that the chicks that are born this year will have the very best chance of survival.  I always find myself wishing that all the fuss I witness around weddings each spring could be applied to preparing an atmosphere where our children would have the very best chance of surviving.

 

Marriage has always been important to me.  When I was a little girl I regularly read a column in my mother’s Ladies Home Journal entitled “Can This Marriage Be Saved.”  Marriages must be saved if our society is to be saved.  And we must start now, while there are still people around who remember when marriages lasted forever.  Of all the things I have ever had I value my forty-three year marriage most.  We stood together and looked through the glass at our three newborns.  We stood together to look through the glass at each of our grandchildren.  We stood together at the graveside as our middle girl was lowered into the ground. And forever, together or apart, we have each other.

 

As I counsel young married couples it is clear that there are a variety of reasons why they are in trouble.  The saddest cases are the ones who married hastily, basing their decision on faulty reasoning, unexamined beliefs, rash impulses, or bad advice.  They did what they thought was right at the time.  The biggest problem is that they did not work hard enough to build a foundation for their marriage during courtship.  They let nature take its course all the way to the altar without accessing their readiness for marriage or building the character to endure it.  No one would attempt to run a marathon, enter the boxing ring, or prepare for any challenge to their endurance that way 

 

I don’t really blame couples.  We live in a society where very little is expected of people who want to get married.  Love, as we each understand it, and sexual attraction are assumed to be enough.  It is harder to open a checking account than it is to get married.  Yet, so much more is at stake.  Couples need real guidance, a way to know if their relationship is on track. 

 

When something is important to you, you cannot stand by and watch it being destroyed.  There are people who can be called from their beds to don waders and charge out into the surf to rescue birds that are caught in an oil spill.  Marriage is my greasy bird and I will do what I can, whenever I can, to help to rescue it from extinction and restore it to health.