COURTSHIP CONCERNS

Truly Intimidated

 

If you find yourself feeling nervous after you have been seeing someone six months or more, you may be with someone who is truly intimidating.  By this time you should be beginning to build some trust in your relationship.  Your discomfort may be an indication that something is wrong. It is a good idea to check out your actions and feelings when you are in the company of your loved one. It is foolish to begin a lifelong relationship with someone by walking on eggshells. 

 

Men or women can intimidate, though their tactics may be different.  Intimidators often wrap themselves in biblical principles or scripture.  Some make rules for the relationship that distort the biblical message, or make rules designed to control their partner’s behavior or responses.  Usually, though, the manipulation is more subtle.  

 

I counseled one couple who made me very nervous.  Every time the woman began to express concerns or speak honestly about their situation the man would laugh loudly and place his hand on her hand or knee in an “Oh, isn’t she cute” gesture.  This act would successfully divert her attention and she would change the subject.  After noticing this for a while I changed seats with him and asked her how it felt to have her mind changed in that way.  She easily realized that she sensed when he did not want her to talk about certain things.  We spent several more sessions helping her find her own voice and helping him tolerate it.

 

Another woman in premarital counseling placed her hand on her partner’s arm each time she said something she thought was uncomplimentary about him.  She seemed to hope to control his reaction.  I wondered why she needed to do that.

 

Then there was the woman who began to cry whenever her partner tried to delve into serious issues. He would comfort her and apologize.  Then he would drop the subject.  I helped him learn to comfort her and continue to make his case.  She and I discussed how scary it was to address the problems in the relationship. I helped her see that her crying was really manipulating his responses. She soon stopped crying in our sessions. 

 

Listening to one couple was extremely difficult.  Each time they started toshare a problem they would begin with an elaborate web of disclaimers, excuses, and compliments toward the other.  It took them forever to say anything even slightly critical of each other.  Becoming acutely aware of my advancing years I decided to speed things up.  I asked why they felt the need to cover their criticisms with so much sugar coating.  Delving deeper I learned that the woman felt that critical comments were not allowed in their relationship. 

“I don’t want to upset him”, she explained. 

“What happens if he gets upset?” 

“He doesn’t get over it for a long time.” 

“How can you tell he is upset?

“He stops talking.  Sometimes for days!  Then, I have to figure out what I have to do to get him to forgive me.” 

 

By now the woman was on the verge of tears.  Her partner was stone-faced.  She had broken into forbidden territory.  I asked if they realized that they had made anon-verbal deal. He doesn’t criticize her; she gets punished with silence if she criticizes him.  I discovered that whenever he was displeased he would repeat a phrase from an earlier stage of their relationship: “I’m not sure we are right for each other.”  This seemingly mild intimidation kept the relationship exactly where he wanted it, and left her constantly wary and anxious.  It also kept them from moving to the higher stages inthe development of their courtship.

 

Intimidation, manipulation, and controlling devices can be hard to recognize in courtship.  Your stifled, anxious or angry feelings are probably a warning that all is not well.  Your secret suspicions should be addressed openly while you are single.  If you are really being intimidated it won’t go away after the wedding.  If you are changing your normal behavior out of fear of your partner’s reaction or response, you are a victim of intimidation.

 

If you have a question or are concerned about something that is happening in your relationship contact us.  We will respond as quickly as possible.