As an estimated one-half of all marriages end in divorce it almost seems that mate selection and courtship are irrelevant to the process of getting married. Is there any point in trying from the outset to form and build a union that has a chance of surviving? Perhaps not, but the fact is that a strong, loving, enduring marriage is one of the most awe-inspiring, satisfying relationships known to man. I believe most of us would have one if we could.
And yet, many have eschewed this illusive experience in favor of a series of marital or non-marital relationships because an enduring marriage seems almost impossible to achieve. We have looked around us and decided that monogamous marriage between two loving people simply doesn’t exist. If it does, it is by accident. Many of us put more time and attention into purchasing a car or a pet than we put into selecting a marriage partner.
But marriage isn’t only about the couple. Each Spring I look out the window and watch the robins in my yard prepare for their offspring. How hard they work. They are engaged in a cooperative venture, each doing his part, so that the chicks that are born this year will have the very best chance of survival. I always find myself wishing that all the fuss I witness around weddings each spring could be applied to preparing an atmosphere where our children would have the very best chance of surviving.
Marriage has always been important to me. When I was a little girl I regularly read a column in my mother’s Ladies Home Journal entitled “Can This Marriage Be Saved.” Marriages must be saved if our society is to be saved. And we must start now, while there are still people around who remember when marriages lasted forever. Of all the things I have ever had I value my forty-three year marriage most. We stood together and looked through the glass at our three newborns. We stood together to look through the glass at each of our grandchildren. We stood together at the graveside as our middle girl was lowered into the ground. And forever, together or apart, we have each other.
As I counsel young married couples it is clear that there are a variety of reasons why they are in trouble. The saddest cases are the ones who married hastily, basing their decision on faulty reasoning, unexamined beliefs, rash impulses, or bad advice. They did what they thought was right at the time. The biggest problem is that they did not work hard enough to build a foundation for their marriage during courtship. They let nature take its course all the way to the altar without accessing their readiness for marriage or building the character to endure it. No one would attempt to run a marathon, enter the boxing ring, or prepare for any challenge to their endurance that way
I don’t really blame couples. We live in a society where very little is expected of people who want to get married. Love, as we each understand it, and sexual attraction are assumed to be enough. It is harder to open a checking account than it is to get married. Yet, so much more is at stake. Couples need real guidance, a way to know if their relationship is on track.
When something is important to you, you cannot stand by and watch it being destroyed. There are people who can be called from their beds to don waders and charge out into the surf to rescue birds that are caught in an oil spill. Marriage is my greasy bird and I will do what I can, whenever I can, to help to rescue it from extinction and restore it to health.
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