LONG DISTANCE, PLEASE! Part II

Fighting by Phone

 

The most important thing to remember about a long distance relationship is that it will take longer to progress through the developmental stages than in a relationship where you see each other regularly.  Separated couples tend to stay at the “feel good” level as long as possible, delaying inevitable conflicts and struggles.  The “Conflict Stage,” which is meant to lead to basic trust and acceptance, can be taxing and painful.  If you have been separated throughout your relationship, as in on-line dating, or the separation takes place before you have completed the conflict stage and you have decided that the relationship is worth the work, you will need to be patient and brave.

 

If your phone fights seem to be petty and have little substance in hind-sight they may be a symptom of sexual tension brought on by spending too much time on the phone.  Try keeping your calls shorter (no more than thirty-forty minutes) and see if it helps.  It is difficult to work through your issues by telephone and e-mail in the early stages of the relationship. You can expect some of your visits to have rough spots, too. 

 

It is best to have clear rules about conflict resolution.  The issues raised by “phone fights” may be important enough to be revisited.  Fortunately, you have time alone between calls to pray it through and isolate the ‘real’ conflicts the fight may have raised.  Keep lists of concerns that need to addressed on another call or may need be held until your next face-to-face. 

 

Don’t gloss over concerns for the sake of keeping the peace.  Some issues may need to be talked over with a third party present.  If you offend your partner be quick to ask forgiveness.  You must also be quick to forgive.  Bad feelings that go on too long can be blown out of proportion. 

 

Since conflict is part of every healthy relationship make a rule that you will both try to end all calls or visits on friendly terms.  (This is the equivalent of “never let the sun go down on your wrath.”)  This takes patience and the belief that the two of you, with the help of God, are brave enough and committed enough to weather the storm.

COMMUNICATION

Culture Wars

                                                                      

Several years ago I participated in an exercise designed to help Christian workers understand the process of bringing the Word of God to a foreign culture.  The first characteristic that was required of a new missionary was humility.  The second attribute was an attitude of submission.  The third was a quality of teachability.  In other words once you had demonstrated respect for who they were, submitted to their lifestyle, and communicated a desire to learn from them, you were ready to attempt to teach, that is, present the Gospel. Sadly, none of these qualities is easily attained; the flesh resists them.

 

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when the Wives Club was discussing struggles with difficult in-laws.  When we marry each of us is joined to a foreign culture (unless you marry a sibling, which is forbidden in most of the world.)  In order to enter safely and have a chance of being accepted, these same characteristics, humility, submission, and teachability, are essential. 

 

It is amazing how highly God esteems humility and how little regard we who love Him have for it.  In many cultures some form of bow, curtsy, genuflect, or kneeling is expected upon meeting or greeting someone or entering their home.  Bowing indicates respect for the culture and position of the other and submission to the authority of that home.  Americans do not bow on the outside, but, as Christians, we would do well to learn to bow on the inside.  This sacrifice of our position and power to that of another for the sake of love can be the first step to acceptance when meeting new acquaintances or dealing with in-laws.  Failure to do so can lead to rifts that can last a lifetime. 

 

If you put yourself above others, you will be put down. But if you humble yourself, you will be honored.
Matthew 23:11-13 CEV

 

MAKING IT WORK

Teachable Spirit

 

There are many characteristics we look for while seeking a mate.  One that is frequently overlooked, with disastrous consequences, is “teachability”.  A suitable future partner may have habits and attitudes acquired over a lifetime that cause difficulties for others.  We all probably have some.  They are not a problem as long as we do not try to share a space or relationship with another person.

 

Once we enter a relationship our ability to change and adapt to new information will be put to the test.  As we get to know each other the need to change will arise.  Early in my relationship with my husband he often suggested things I should do differently.  I accepted his suggestions and made an effort to comply.  At some point, however, he seemed to be “fixing” me.  I was younger and needed plenty of fixing, I’m sure, but I still needed to be me.  I raised the issue, expressing that he could not take on the job of making me over.  He seemed to understand that he had gone too far and immediately stopped the “nit-picking”.  We were both learning as we grew together.  We were also establishing a pattern of respectful give-and-take that we desperately needed in our marriage

 

Learning that something we do is offensive to a partner requires us to decide if we are willing to adjust to accommodate our partner’s needs.  If your partner, knowing your concern becomes defensive or makes no effort to adjust the behavior or pattern you know more about him than he thinks.  These minor adjustments are required throughout marriage as situations change.  If someone who is trying to win your hand, now (while trying to show himself in the most favorable light), refuses to accept your counsel on this small matter he may be demonstrating and inflexibility or insensitivity that will be troublesome later. 

 

I am not encouraging couples to attempt to control or dictate each other’s behavior. There is a very fine line between trying to get someone to accommodate your wishes and being controlling and judgmental.  Each of you should be able to express your thoughts about an issue without threatening the other’s autonomy.  Each of you should also be able to keep your own identity and adjust to your partner. 

 

P.S. Real character change is the province of the Holy Spirit.  No one should allow anyone to replace the voice of the Holy Spirit in their head. (See “Truly Intimidated” Sept 11, 2006)

 

Long Distance, Please!

Long Distance, Please

Thanks to our transient society and the internet many couples have to learn to endure a long distance relationship.  A driving distance of two or three hours is usually bearable.  If the separation is greater than that, a couple must determine if they can tolerate the stress of minimal contact and delayed conflict resolution.

 

There are benefits and challenges to this kind of relationship.  There is less temptation to spend too much time together but you are more tempted to stay on the phone too long.  You may have fewer petty conflicts, but less time to resolve the important ones.

 

When the separation occurs after the friendship is on a firm footing the problem is easier to manage.  In the early stages it will take lots of hard work for you to get to know, and eventually trust one another.  This takes a great deal of patience.

 

Separations will surely test the strength of your commitment to each other.  To have a successful long distance relationship a couple will need three things – commitment, money, and friends.  Planning is crucial.  Plan your time and visits wisely.  Try to avoid overtaxing any of your resources 

 

Although you see each other less often the issue of celibacy may be more challenging.  Couples look forward to their visits with great anticipation.  Your times together will be quite intense, especially as it gets closer to the end of the visit.  Special safeguards should be put into practice early.  Enlist the help of your friends and your church to safely and successfully maintain your relationship.

 

NEXT:  Long Distance Fighting

Q and A

Question from Email:  From a church Singles Group

Hi,

We all went to lunch yesterday.  (Your seminars are always a topic at all our events/ meetings since you gave it last month).  Someone made the comment that you had stated that the man and woman (courting couple) should not pray together because that is a form of intimacy. You were probably misquoted.  Can you please clarify?  This question will probably come up again in our next session, but we can't wait.

 

Thanks.

T. R. (Wash., D.C.)

 

 

Yup!  I said it, but the quote is slightly off.  (By the way, this did not originate with me, but with a well-known pastor I used to work under.)  He said men and women should not be "prayer partners," praying together for long periods of time about personal subjects.  (Now, be cautious with the rest of this statement.)  He said there is very little distance between the intensity of prayer and the intensity of other kinds of intimacy,which makes it easy to cross the line.  (Hisrendition was slightly more graphic.) OK?  OK. Boy, you guys are tough! 

 

Couples should certainly pray for each other, and about their relationship.  It is the "together" part that should be limited.  Let's remember that Satan is out to get you any way he can.  If one thing doesn't work, he will just try another.

Q and A

Question from Email re: a two year relationship

Hi,

I have a question? Why do relationships have to be so difficult?  The guy I am currently seeing acts like he does not care whether I stay or go so I have decided to go on with my reassignment to either Italy or Spain next summer. I cannot put my life on hold until he decides if I am the one he wants to marry. Life is too short.  If its God's will that we are together then He will work it out. I am done. IR

 

Dear IR,

Relationships are hard.  Many men want the company of a woman with little commitment.  Your guy doesn't even want the responsibility of ending the relationship.  He is making you make the decision while he pretends to be supportive of your career.  If he wanted things to continue he would let you know.  He doesn't seem to want to put in much work.  Have you always made life very easy for him?  Has he depended on you to keep things interesting?  If he has been single for a long time he may want to go with the flow and just chill. If he doesn't have you around he will probably find someone else to make his life easy.  If what I am saying rings true he is probably not a good candidate for a life partner.  You may as well make the decision that works best for you. It is also okay to ask a direct question about where the relationship is headed

 

 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Caution: Children on Board

 

Television stations recently aired a commercial that shows an idyllic scene of man and woman locked in an adoring gaze over a dinner table.  As they smile lovingly at each other they are suddenly pelted with flying peas.  The camera pans back to reveal the rest of the table which seats a pre-schooler, a preteen, and a baby in a high chair gleefully launching his peas.  This abrupt intrusion of reality is similar to what happens in the lives of couples who marry with children.

 

Couples in the early stages of a relationship often seem to forget that there are children involved.  They are so focused on the new object of their affections that they like to assume that such mundane issues are not important.  Although it may be wise to keep the children out of the process until some decisions about the future of the relationship have been made, many couples seem to pretend that the children don’t exist. Even in premarital counseling, the counselor is often the first one to mention the children.  The couple immediately reassures her that everything is perfect.  And yet children will almost surly bring the couple down to earth if they proceed to marriage. 

 

“Oh!  The children love him/her,” parents report gleefully, citing as evidence two dinners at Chuck E.Cheese’s and a day at Water World.  Children’s issues around remarriage often surface slowly, and in disguise.  They are not always conscious of how they feel and have trouble articulating those conflicting feelings.  Plan to give them the time they need to begin to wrap their minds around the changes that are taking place.  (Children of any age need this time.)

 

When things get serious couples should begin some research into the subject of step-parenting.  Don’t assume that you know how to do this.  I usually recommend to couples that they each select and read three books that address their custodial situation.  They should then switch books, read each other’s, and discuss them.  The list should include books from both Christian and secular bookstores.  This exercise is designed to break through the rose-colored bubble that surrounds their current situation.  The time you spend helping children through this process will save time and trouble in the end.