Teachable Spirit
There are many characteristics we look for while seeking a mate. One that is frequently overlooked, with disastrous consequences, is “teachability”. A suitable future partner may have habits and attitudes acquired over a lifetime that cause difficulties for others. We all probably have some. They are not a problem as long as we do not try to share a space or relationship with another person.
Once we enter a relationship our ability to change and adapt to new information will be put to the test. As we get to know each other the need to change will arise. Early in my relationship with my husband he often suggested things I should do differently. I accepted his suggestions and made an effort to comply. At some point, however, he seemed to be “fixing” me. I was younger and needed plenty of fixing, I’m sure, but I still needed to be me. I raised the issue, expressing that he could not take on the job of making me over. He seemed to understand that he had gone too far and immediately stopped the “nit-picking”. We were both learning as we grew together. We were also establishing a pattern of respectful give-and-take that we desperately needed in our marriage
Learning that something we do is offensive to a partner requires us to decide if we are willing to adjust to accommodate our partner’s needs. If your partner, knowing your concern becomes defensive or makes no effort to adjust the behavior or pattern you know more about him than he thinks. These minor adjustments are required throughout marriage as situations change. If someone who is trying to win your hand, now (while trying to show himself in the most favorable light), refuses to accept your counsel on this small matter he may be demonstrating and inflexibility or insensitivity that will be troublesome later.
I am not encouraging couples to attempt to control or dictate each other’s behavior. There is a very fine line between trying to get someone to accommodate your wishes and being controlling and judgmental. Each of you should be able to express your thoughts about an issue without threatening the other’s autonomy. Each of you should also be able to keep your own identity and adjust to your partner.
P.S. Real character change is the province of the Holy Spirit. No one should allow anyone to replace the voice of the Holy Spirit in their head. (See “Truly Intimidated” Sept 11, 2006)
1 comment:
Thank you once again for perpetuating the straight truth. It is so refreshing! I just read your most recent blog entry too. As I read it, it reminded me of couples who divorce after 20 or so years of marriage. It seems like they may have never learned to flex and flow with each other in a healthy way (teachability), grew apart emotionally but went through the motions for years, and then finally separated physically. It's hard to imagine living with someone all those years and not being emotionally engaged. Teachability sounds like a great antidote to such a miserable existence. Sign me up!
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