Long Distance, Please!

Long Distance, Please

Thanks to our transient society and the internet many couples have to learn to endure a long distance relationship.  A driving distance of two or three hours is usually bearable.  If the separation is greater than that, a couple must determine if they can tolerate the stress of minimal contact and delayed conflict resolution.

 

There are benefits and challenges to this kind of relationship.  There is less temptation to spend too much time together but you are more tempted to stay on the phone too long.  You may have fewer petty conflicts, but less time to resolve the important ones.

 

When the separation occurs after the friendship is on a firm footing the problem is easier to manage.  In the early stages it will take lots of hard work for you to get to know, and eventually trust one another.  This takes a great deal of patience.

 

Separations will surely test the strength of your commitment to each other.  To have a successful long distance relationship a couple will need three things – commitment, money, and friends.  Planning is crucial.  Plan your time and visits wisely.  Try to avoid overtaxing any of your resources 

 

Although you see each other less often the issue of celibacy may be more challenging.  Couples look forward to their visits with great anticipation.  Your times together will be quite intense, especially as it gets closer to the end of the visit.  Special safeguards should be put into practice early.  Enlist the help of your friends and your church to safely and successfully maintain your relationship.

 

NEXT:  Long Distance Fighting

Q and A

Question from Email:  From a church Singles Group

Hi,

We all went to lunch yesterday.  (Your seminars are always a topic at all our events/ meetings since you gave it last month).  Someone made the comment that you had stated that the man and woman (courting couple) should not pray together because that is a form of intimacy. You were probably misquoted.  Can you please clarify?  This question will probably come up again in our next session, but we can't wait.

 

Thanks.

T. R. (Wash., D.C.)

 

 

Yup!  I said it, but the quote is slightly off.  (By the way, this did not originate with me, but with a well-known pastor I used to work under.)  He said men and women should not be "prayer partners," praying together for long periods of time about personal subjects.  (Now, be cautious with the rest of this statement.)  He said there is very little distance between the intensity of prayer and the intensity of other kinds of intimacy,which makes it easy to cross the line.  (Hisrendition was slightly more graphic.) OK?  OK. Boy, you guys are tough! 

 

Couples should certainly pray for each other, and about their relationship.  It is the "together" part that should be limited.  Let's remember that Satan is out to get you any way he can.  If one thing doesn't work, he will just try another.

Q and A

Question from Email re: a two year relationship

Hi,

I have a question? Why do relationships have to be so difficult?  The guy I am currently seeing acts like he does not care whether I stay or go so I have decided to go on with my reassignment to either Italy or Spain next summer. I cannot put my life on hold until he decides if I am the one he wants to marry. Life is too short.  If its God's will that we are together then He will work it out. I am done. IR

 

Dear IR,

Relationships are hard.  Many men want the company of a woman with little commitment.  Your guy doesn't even want the responsibility of ending the relationship.  He is making you make the decision while he pretends to be supportive of your career.  If he wanted things to continue he would let you know.  He doesn't seem to want to put in much work.  Have you always made life very easy for him?  Has he depended on you to keep things interesting?  If he has been single for a long time he may want to go with the flow and just chill. If he doesn't have you around he will probably find someone else to make his life easy.  If what I am saying rings true he is probably not a good candidate for a life partner.  You may as well make the decision that works best for you. It is also okay to ask a direct question about where the relationship is headed

 

 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Caution: Children on Board

 

Television stations recently aired a commercial that shows an idyllic scene of man and woman locked in an adoring gaze over a dinner table.  As they smile lovingly at each other they are suddenly pelted with flying peas.  The camera pans back to reveal the rest of the table which seats a pre-schooler, a preteen, and a baby in a high chair gleefully launching his peas.  This abrupt intrusion of reality is similar to what happens in the lives of couples who marry with children.

 

Couples in the early stages of a relationship often seem to forget that there are children involved.  They are so focused on the new object of their affections that they like to assume that such mundane issues are not important.  Although it may be wise to keep the children out of the process until some decisions about the future of the relationship have been made, many couples seem to pretend that the children don’t exist. Even in premarital counseling, the counselor is often the first one to mention the children.  The couple immediately reassures her that everything is perfect.  And yet children will almost surly bring the couple down to earth if they proceed to marriage. 

 

“Oh!  The children love him/her,” parents report gleefully, citing as evidence two dinners at Chuck E.Cheese’s and a day at Water World.  Children’s issues around remarriage often surface slowly, and in disguise.  They are not always conscious of how they feel and have trouble articulating those conflicting feelings.  Plan to give them the time they need to begin to wrap their minds around the changes that are taking place.  (Children of any age need this time.)

 

When things get serious couples should begin some research into the subject of step-parenting.  Don’t assume that you know how to do this.  I usually recommend to couples that they each select and read three books that address their custodial situation.  They should then switch books, read each other’s, and discuss them.  The list should include books from both Christian and secular bookstores.  This exercise is designed to break through the rose-colored bubble that surrounds their current situation.  The time you spend helping children through this process will save time and trouble in the end.

ATTRACTION

Unequally Yoked

It is not easy to find out if someone is a born-again believer or to determine his level of spiritual maturity, but it is important to do so as soon as possible. Be prepared to walk away if this person has not made a decision to live for Christ.

 

Brand-new Christians are especially susceptible to being swept off their feet by the first Bible-totin’-quotin’ guy who takes and interest in them.  Like all babies, baby Christians need time to develop the ability to make wise decisions.  The observations of others can be extremely helpful. 

 

A young woman I know met a man soon after her conversion.  He said all the right things and seemed grounded in his Christian walk.  She was quite interested in him and they were making plans for the future.  Others who met him, however, immediately raised questions about his spiritual condition.  Brothers in the church talked to him and learned that, although he knew a lot about the Bible, he had never given his life to Christ.  He simply knew how to “talk the talk”.  Much of what he told her about himself turned out to be completely untrue. 

 

When you are attracted to someone it is easy to overlook problems that are obvious to a more clear-headed observer.  Once she ended the relationship, the woman in this story was able see many hints and clues that had been there all along. This naive young woman felt truly rescued, but she learned a great lesson from the experience.  

READY TO WED: Part 2

RESTORING PURITY

Purity is important for the individual as well as to the courtship process.  It speaks of your covenantal relationship with Christ, whose bride you are.  It is also the tablet upon which the rest of your marital relationship is written.  But suppose, as you read this blog, you have already surrendered you virginity.  God has not dumped you on an ash heap.  He has made provision for you.  He is faithful to forgive if you seek him with your whole heart. 

 

God can restore you to purity if that is your fervent desire.  You do not have to keep doing what you have done.  (Convincing your body of that is another matter.)  Decide now to put aside sin, confess, repent, and ask forgiveness.  If you are intimate with a current partner, express your intentions to him.  If you decide to stay together declare a period of separation so that you can fast and pray.  Come back together with a new standard for your dating behavior.  If possible, meet with a clergyman or counselor at your church.  Ask for a couple who will walk this out with you.

 

This process will be very hard.  But it will be worth it.  If you are able to do this you will accrue all of the benefits afforded a celibate courtship.  You will also have honored each other with this gift of sacrifice that will strengthen your relationship.  God bless you.

 

Abstaining from sex alone will not make a bad relationship into a good one, anymore than having sex will.  It does help you to see your relationship more clearly.  It allows you to make necessary changes within the relationship and it becomes the basis of trust.  Keeping your courtship pure means purity of thought as well as actions.  Ask friends to help you stay on track.  Pray without ceasing that your mind as well as your body will honor God and your partner.

 

 

Ready to Wed

TIME ALONE

Being alone, unattached, single, according to I Corinthians 7, gives a person the opportunity to be “concerned about the Lord’s affairs, how he can please the Lord,” and be “devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.”  The time before we marry should not be wasted since it may well be the time God uses to prepare for marriage.  For what is more important in marriage than knowing how to please the Lord?  The Lord is pleased when we are obedient.  And according to His Word we learn this best when we are alone.   

 

What are the things we learn when we are alone that serve us in our future marriage and as the Bride of Christ?  At the urging of the Holy Spirit, who leads us into all truth, we can learn about ourselves.  We are all afflicted with an inability to see ourselves accurately.  We carry with us all of the personal characteristics that threaten to cause difficulties in marriage.  These personal flaws are alive and well by the time we are marriageable age.   The kinks in our character, as well as our sinful adaptations to our past have already been formed.  We live easily with them as single women.  When we consider marriage we must choose to allow the light of the Holy Spirit to expose them.  If we skip this step these flaws will be revealed as we try to live in intimate relationship with our spouse and children.  In our time alone, with prayer and submission, our short-comings will gradually be exposed so that we can seek the Lord’s will in removing them.  This humbling process prepares us to be better wives if only by making us more patient with the flaws of others. 

 

First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  (Matthew 7:5NIV)